With the caucuses tomorrow, I find that I'm staying up late fantasizing about the outcome, imagining acceptance speeches, the whole nine. This is like a cross between Christmas Eve and an eagerly anticipated first date. A lot of you get jiggy about football or basketball or baseball, but my sport runs on a two-year calendar with great big games every four. This is the show. The players have been training hard and finally we'll see some scoring that counts.
Here, for your amusement, are some of the fantasies that have been amusing me for a few days:
IF EDWARDS WINS... His acceptance speech will be short and sweet: "Today Iowa, tomorrow the world!"
IF GIULIANI WINS... Same speech, but in German. With a strange arm tic (aides will blame it on a buzzing cell phone that he's training himself not to answer while giving short speeches in German.) Reporters will hesitate to mention the small mustache that Giuliani appears to be growing.
RON PAUL'S SPEECH... will include a fiery denunciation of the federal government and a call for the abolition of the office of the president. He will also give present-tense tips to the Founding Fathers on how to build a country without one of those pesky government thingees. Paul's supporters in Iowa will go on a rampage, occupying state buildings, taking hostages, and demanding that the state "wither on the vine".
HILLARY WILL THANK THE PRESS... and pollster Mark Penn will bring her a diamond encrusted tiara on a polished velvet pillow. Bill will place it on her head in that most ancient of non-American ceremonies.
OBAMA WILL SOUND PASSIONATE... who knew it was possible? His failure to thank Allah will lead many "otherwise supportive" Republicans to opine on Friday that a) he's secretly a Muslim or b) he's not a very good Muslim.
FRED THOMPSON WILL MAKE IT TO THE STAGE... and immediately fall asleep. Oh Fred.
MITT ROMNEY WILL SHOW OFF HIS CONTORTIONIST SKILLS... by dislocating his own shoulders and folding his crossed legs backwards over his body until he's indistinguishable from a pretzel. He will tell the assembled audience: "Imagine what I can do for America!"
JOHN MCCAIN WILL PERSONALLY BOMB IRAN... just on principle. He will go on to win the New Hampshire Republican primary in a historic unanimous vote.