The Politico reports that the Republicans' Washington leadership is hard at work on a long-overdue "Issues Agenda" for their 2008 candidates. Newshoggers has received an advance copy of a late-stage draft from a source within the RNC communications shop, which we are proud to present here for your consideration.
"8 Solutions for '08: Republicans Address America's Issues in a Change Election"Hm, it's tough to see how they won't sweep the polls next year.
2. War on Terror
5. Health Care
9. Ah crap. Let's stick with 8. Lucky number 8, for 2008. Nice ring, eh?
1. IRAQ!!: We're winning! Woo hoo! The surge that voters elected Democrats to implement in 2006 has been an amazing success, just look at the comments from David Petraeus and Richard Sanchez. Shit. Ignore Sanchez. We're winning, and more importantly we've got to win, because if we don't stay mired in Iraq we'll be mired at home. And by "we", I mean Republicans.
2. War on Terror: They love this shit in Peoria. RADICAL MUSLIM ISLAMOFASCISTS WANT TO SNEAK INTO AMERICA AND KILL YOUR CHILDREN! Just say it a bunch of times. They know it's true.
3. HOMOS!!! Oh yeah baby, this one's always a winner. Marriage this, marriage that, may have to reformulate if the nominee is Giuliani. Or Thompson. Or McCain. Shit. Also, candidates in Idaho should be careful with this one. AND PLEASE GUYS, QUIT GETTING CAUGHT.
4. Iran: "We cannot allow the RADICAL MUSLIM ISLAMOFASCIST regime in Iran to acquire nukular weapons!" Who's gonna protect you? Hillary? Right, that's why she's sporting the cleavage. To distract the RADICAL MUSLIM ISLAMOFASCISTS. Ain't gonna work, Hil. They're ruthless killers.
5. Health Care: Okay, just tell people that America has the best health care system in the world. Free markets, blah blah. Health Savings Accounts, because after your 401k and other savings, everybody's got piles of money to shove into yet another savings vehicle. Oh, and do not mention SCHIP. If anyone asks, you're a big fan of kids. Smile when you say it. If you have any of your own, cuddle them while you smile and say it. If you don't, grab the nearest one, cuddle that stranger's child, which hopefully looks pink and healthy, then smile when you say it. Please.
6. IMMIGRANTS!!!: Dude, we're so friggin gonna seal the friggin border with Mexico, build a totally righteous wall, and stick snipers on towers to just shoot all the goddamn illegals! That'll teach 'em. "I lift my lamp beside the golden door" my ass.
7. Education: Blah blah. How boring. I guess a lot of these peons still have their kids in public schools, so make sure you never say you want to kill funding, say school choice and use words like quality and achievement. I mean, we all know we want to trash the public schools, but it's best if people don't actually see that we want them to pay out of pocket for their kids' education. Makes it harder for them to contemplate the health savings accounts.
8. TAXES!!: Dude, we so can't lose with this one! WE'RE GONNA CUT YOUR TAXES! If anybody says anything about deficits, tell 'em not to worry. With that quality education we're providing their high achieving kids, there's totally gonna be somebody to pay for all that shit! Besides, when we cut your taxes, you'll have more money to shovel into your health savings account! Oh, and we're gonna bomb the shit out of Iran! ROCK N ROLL!
In summary, we're the party of bold, fresh ideas, like occupying Iraq and cutting taxes and giving you school choice, and we super hate the homos and the illegal immigrants. And we hate Hillary. Wow do we hate Hillary. So support traditional marriage [may have to reformulate depending on nominee - Go Romney!], fight for school choice and the best health care system on the planet. And we're going to cut your taxes. BOMB IRAN!!