In 2007, I announced my candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination, running as the savior that the party has been looking for. Yes, I'm a lesbian. Yes, I'm too young to serve. Yes, I'm a Democrat. But the truth is that I am the candidate of true conservatism: sealed borders, economy-crushing but morally principled deportation, a torture chamber in every police precinct, public school principals with waterboards, Chinese cash flowing through the American economy, and a tax structure that crushes the poor for their malfeasance, proven by their poverty.
I'm so strong on torture that I make Uncle Jimbo of BlackFive look like a pussy. I have been persuaded by the arguments of the right that torture is beneficial, necessary, and gets real results, so as the first plank in my platform, I will order congress to legalize and fund the creation of torture chambers in every police precinct in America. Who is the bigger threat to you: al Qaeda or criminals in your neighborhood? I think the answer is clear. By authorizing beating, nail pulling, finger chopping, genital electrodes, and of course, waterboarding, we can end the scourge of crime in our cities and communities and live in a better America.
But I can't achieve these reforms without your help. For the next week, Newshoggers has graciously agreed to let me use this blog to fundraise for my dark horse candidacy. Here is what your donation, large or small, will produce:
- A new, redesigned Newshoggers platform
- Better Newshoggers merchandise
- Well-fed bloggers who are more responsive to the stories of the day, and of course
- Our ongoing efforts to ferret out the stories left untold, the stray thoughts of the news cycle, the comedy that is our discourse, and the overriding trends that drive America's and the world's politics.