That's it. Hot on the heels of Fred Thompson's early forays into what he seems to consider policy discussions, I'm officially terrified for our future. In order to save election 2008, the United States of America, and one of America's two major parties, I'm hereby announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Dreadlocks, lesbianism, and all.
Though I've been a Democrat for most of my adult life, I'll be running as a Republican in order to save them from themselves. In a race where we've learned that several Republican candidates don't accept evolution, one would "double the size of Gitmo", and now Republican dreamboat (?) Fred Thompson says that people fleeing Cuba are likely to be terrorists and we should "blockade" Iran, it's clear that after decades of purges and ideological cleansing, the Republican party is simply unable to generate the quality of candidates that America needs to maintain a functioning democracy.
We'll need to begin the process by changing that pesky Article 2 clause that requires one to be 35. I'm only 31, but I would turn 35 during my term, so I would only require that the charter of our nation be changed from "neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years" to "neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not attain the Age of thirty five Years while serving". Very minor change, but absolutely necessary for the continuing function of the United States.
So please, let's get the Congress to start on that, and I'll start fundraising in earnest to open my Iowa and New Hampshire offices. Look out GOP--there's a new candidate in town, and this one knows her stuff. I know it's unorthodox, but trust me, you'll thank me later, when I've pulled millions of new and idealistic voters into your once big tent and reinvigorated your party with, you know, good ideas.
Update By Cernig.
Jim Henley at Unqualified Offerings has announced his intention to run for the GOP nomination too. He says he should be selected instead of our own Shamanic because he's:
a straight, white male and almost tall (5′11″), so I meet the core requirements for a Republican presidential candidate. The awkward fact that I’ve never voted for a Republican for President mustn’t distract us from the fact that I am the only potential Republican nominee who can get respectful links from the liberal blogosphere. I can be a healer!Maybe I should run too. The awkward fact that only Americans can be President should be overturned so that Arnie and I can run, obviously. I'm Spartacus!